Mixed Feelings 1: The Festival Hater

Oct 15. 2009:

It was one of the most unusual evenings I've had in recent times. My sis called me up and told me dad has been worrying himself miserably over the last few days, especially ever since I attended my last job interview and they told me they'd get back to me by Friday. It was only Thursday and dad already had his bouts of severe headaches wondering if they'd take me or dump me for a better and deserving candidate and my sis feared the worst and took him for a scan. The results came in and just like she feared it was another one of those internal bleeding cases, a subdural haematoma in medical terms... something we thought we had buried in our pasts. Already having had 2 brain surgeries in April and May 2009 respectively, it was too much in too less time. No one even dreamt there would be a 3rd one because the doctors assured us there was nothing to worry. So much for their goddamn assurance, coz sometimes god's plans don't go hand in hand with a doc's assurances.

The city of Chennai was gearing up to celebrate Diwali which was in a couple of days. Hoardings and posters everywhere suggested large scale celebrations and joy and fun times. Not for me though. If it were up to me I'd definitely have torn down everything that suggested happiness in the city. But then, that would be too selfish of me. So I walked ahead on the streets, almost ignoring people having fun and making last minute purchases or just going about their festive business. I had no clue what to do coz I was 'ordered' by dad before he was taken into the neuro ICU 'not to' rush home while ma job status was pending, and I was in no mood to celebrate Diwali as well.

Kerala is not known for Diwali celebrations as much as Chennai or any other state down south or up north. I had never really given it a thought as to why only my state has a problem with a festival that's otherwise so much fun & has a lot to do with gods who're pretty big deal in our state too. Maybe Kerala has an attitude problem or is trying to be different or perhaps the folks only wanna celebrate local festivals like Onam & Vishu [which by the way is not a local festival coz its known as Ugadi, Pongal, Baisakhi, Sankranti etc in other states. So there!] Anyways, I almost felt like my state, Kerala; while I was trying to "avoid" Diwali and say no to any kinda celebration. Yes, I did feel stupid doing so but had no choice not to. A pending job status, Dad in the Neuro ICU, Dad's 'order' not to come home, My best friend Elviz admitted in a hospital in Mexico due to severe health complications, Myself beginning to have a cold coz of the smoke in the atmosphere resulting from the Diwali crackers people burst in the narrowest of lanes without even thinking for once how it'd affect a person living on the 3rd floor of the adjacent building next to the shoddy lane.... and finally a sad case of one's self respect & worthiness hanging on the noose when someone you love more than your life accepts you & then rejects you in the same week & vanishes into oblivion shutting the doors of communication behind them.... Doesn't seem like a time to celebrate, does it?

I lay in bed half asleep that night, tired & worn out and sort of wishing if there was something I could do to change things.... at least one of the many things. Hours rolled by and as the wee hours of the night gave in to a dawn that was only a horizon away, my tears had dried up and i made my priorities clear to God. I looked out to the purple sky through the window and said; Take care of Dad & Elviz... They're the ones who need care & blessings... Forget ma job right now... Or bring it down the list coz nothing is important than these two to me... I can survive this cold or an impending fever and wouldn't mind succumbing to it coz in any case 'she' was making me feel utterly miserable trying to avoid me like the plague. Having been convinced that my prayers reached their destination i gave in to impending sleep or probably the weariness induced by several hours of crying.

Forrest Lump :)

"What's that lump in ur mouth boy?" asked the stranger at the bus stop.
"Thwey yaar shum chwocolates" He replied finishing up the yummy chocs in his mouth.
The stranger looked on and watched Forrest Lump finish what he had stuffed in his mouth.
Then he looked up & held the box towards the stranger and said "My Dee says... Life's like a box of chocolates... you never know what's inside them until u open it..."
The stranger leaned forward to pick a chocolate for herself when Forrest pulled back the box & took a piece & began stuffing his mouth again with more pieces.
She grumbled to herself and got up.
A bus came by just at that moment. She gave Forrest a sore glance & walked into the bus writhing in anger at the insult she had to go through.
The bus driver opened the door & looked at her as she got in & sat on the first empty seat she found.
"WHATTTT?" she yelled at the bus driver, obviously annoyed at being stared at.
"Hmmmm... So, did he share his chocolates with you?" asked the bus driver
"Who? That bloody greedy fella at the bus stop?"
"Yeah! That one..."
"What do u think huh?"
"Well... If he did... i must say you're a lucky lady... If he didnt... then he only did what he always does"
The stranger looked on bemused at the bus driver.
"He's called Forrest Lump in this town coz he always has a lump of chocs in his mouth.. and he sits at that bus stop waiting for a bus to Seattle to meet his Dee... but the wimp has no clue that there ain't no bus from India to Seattle.... and by the way.... He only shares his STORIES with u... he NEVER shares CHOCOLATES with strangers!!!
The stranger sat in her seat with a pale expression.

She had no idea what to say.

As she looked on from the moving bus, she saw Forrest finishing up the last piece in his box of chocolates & takin out a new one from his bag as another stranger came & sat at the bus stop.

:)

..............Dedicated to ma adorable sis Derdriu Hereau... Thanx for the box of chocolates & thanx for all the love you gimme constantly... Thanx for makin this li'l bug a part of your wonderful world. I love you Dee :)) Mwwaaah!

Doubts Of An Insomniac....

Sometimes in life, we all need an assurance... from someone who would either give you an impartial compliment or someone who doesn't know you personally. As far as my friends are concerned I'm stuck in between expressive species & 'dead' but not really extinct species... in fact it is the expressive, kind ones that are going extinct. So appreciation is something that comes around like a truck carrying Chips & Cola in the Kalahari desert.

While talking about selfless, kind, emotional, expressive folks the very first name that comes to my mind any day is that of Elviz. She was the best in her species... and like all endangered ones she too had to face the inevitable. Few days back i lost my best friend... Elviz due to some unfortunate but unavoidable reasons -untimely death to be more precise. I was shattered hearing the news no doubt, but what worried me much more was the fact that i doubted myself a moment. Now that Elviz is no more... I cannot ask her...and even if I did when she was around, she'd sweetly tell me I'm the best... when i knew i was a far cry compared to the kinda love she gave me. She loved all of her friends with the same intensity & passion & gave them more than they could ever receive, when on the other hand i was slogging ma life out trying to love with equal passion half the no: of friends compared to her.

I was out of my mind & I was lost & I wondered if I had loved Elviz enough... I never knew or saw for a fact how she reacted to my words & actions over the few yrs. Maybe if she was here I'd have seen her in December... not an assured possibility but a rather on the cards one... maybe 60% she'd have come... for 9 days... for taking part in the International Film Festival Of Kerala 2009. She wanted to come last year but it was too late to get the delegate pass & we dropped the plan & shifted it to this year. Now that remains an unfulfilled dream... :(

Again, coming back to meeting her... I never got to know if I really was a good friend... or just one of them who passed by & had a chance to know Elviz. Of course I knew I was an important factor in her life and I did make her smile more than a few times. But was that enough? Did i really make a difference? Am i worthy of being called her bestest ever friend or atleast a good friend? Several questions ran amok ma brain almost bringing it to a freezing standstill.

Thankfully, before Insomnia & Futile imagination tore my brain apart i got another mail from Alejandra Marroquin... the kind friend of Elviz who kept passing msgs to & from Elviz at the hospital and the only person from 'that side of the world' whom i could talk about Elviz & know whatz happening... Thanx to her i gotta know everything as soon as it happened... and she finally freed me from the clutches of my own wretched thoughts.

Here is her last mail to me.... the mail that helped me redeem myself in ma own eyes...

"Hola!

Fui a despedirme de Elviz... se veía tan bonita!! :)

la arreglaron muy hermosa para que todos pudiéramos despedirnos de ella.

No odies a Dios, él sabe por qué hace estas cosas. Yo antes pensaba así como tú cuando ocurría algo que me causaba mucha tristeza, pero ahora comprendo que todo tiene su tiempo y su razón de ser.

Todos un día nos vamos a ir, unos se van antes que otro, pero un día nos podremos reencontrar, ya verás. Mañana la van a enterrar aproximadamente a las 5:00 pm espero que puedas decir una oración a esa hora para que estés conectado con nosotros mientras enterramos su cuerpo.. :)

No estés triste, ya verás que ella podrá ir hasta tí en un sueño o vas a sentir su presencia, en verdad, confía y así será. Sonríe pensando en ella, ella siempre sonreía, era feliz. Fue una gran amiga, fue un ángel en mi vida, la quise mucho, la quiero mucho, ella me quiso mucho, lo sé. Me duele tanto su partida, realmente me duele mucho, porque era mi amiga, mi confidente, todos los días platicabamos, yo le contaba todo lo que me sucedía, sobre mis amores, la escuela, mis metas. Teníamos muchos proyectos juntas y ahora pues.. tal vez habrá un tiempo en el que ella y yo nos reencontremos para realizar esos proyectos.

Tú hiciste muy feliz a mi amiga. Muchas Gracias! Eres un ángel igual que ella, por eso la vida hizo que se conocieran, a pesar de la distancia, a pesar del idioma, a pesar de todo, sus almas se conectaron. La hiciste feliz y es lo que cuenta, muchas gracias, realmente no te imaginas cuánto estoy agradecida, gracias por querer a mi amiga!!!!! =)

Que Dios te bendiga y te dé la resignación que necesitas, te deseo mucha paz y felicidad. Thanks a lot! :)

Sé feliz, muy feliz.. A mi amiga le gustaría verte muy feliz :)

Recuerdala y sé feliz, recordando que ella fue feliz!! =)

Gracias!

Roughly translated as:

Hi,

I went to say goodbye to Elviz ... she looked so pretty! :)

It was beautifully arranged so that we could all say goodbye to her.

Do not hate God, he knows why he does these things. I used to think just like you when something happened that caused me great sadness, but now I realize that everything has its time and its rationale. All one day we're going to go, some leave before another, but one day we can find again, you'll see.

Tomorrow she will be buried at approximately 5:00 pm.

I hope you can say a prayer at this hour to keep you connected with us as we buried her body .. :) Do not be sad, you'll see that it may go up in a dream or you'll feel her presence, in truth, trust and will.

I smile thinking about her, she always smiled, was happy. She was a great friend, was an angel in my life, I loved a lot, love her, she loved me very much, I know. It hurts so much she left, really hurts me because she was my friend, my confidante, every day we talked, I told her everything that happened to me on my love, school, my goals. We had many projects together and now then .. perhaps there will be a time when she and I find again to facilitate these projects.

You made my friend very happy. Thank you very much!

You are an angel like her, who in life were known to her, despite the distance, despite the language, nevertheless, the souls were connected.

You made her happy and that counts, thank you very much, I really can not imagine how much I am grateful, thank you for loving my friend !!!!! =)

God bless you and give you the resignation that you need, I wish you peace and happiness.

Thanks a lot! :)

Be happy, very happy .. My friend was very happy to see you like :)

Remember this and be happy, remembering that she was happy! =)

Thanks!

............Thank u Ale for giving me the assurance.... re-assurance i must say.

Thank you Elviz for loving me & letting Alejandra know what i meant to you.

You'll always be remembered as the one who taught me what love is & what life is.

God bless. R.I.P.

Mmmmmmwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaah!

Lovvvvveeeeeeeeeee uuuuuuuuuuuuuuu until eternity <3

Not Everyone's Cup Of Tea

One day the mom was out on an errand and the dad was in charge of their kid. The little one was maybe 2 or 3 years old and had just recovered from being sick for a while.
Mom had given instructions to dad to keep an eye on the little one & he nodded obediently as she walked out. But as soon as she was gone he went to the living room & switched on the Television.
While dad was busy browsing through sports channels & getting his daily quota of news from the newspaper the little one began playing in her room.

A relative had given her a little 'Tea set' as a "get-well soon" gift and it was now time to put it to use. She knew for sure as she opened the pack that this was soon going to become one of her all time favorite toys.
As dad was engrossed in the evening news the little one brought him a little cup of 'Tea', which was in fact just water.
After several cups of 'Tea' and lots of praise for the yummiest tea dad ever had, mom came home.
Quite like expected she was anxious to know from dad if her little angel was up to any mischief or if she gave him any trouble.
She was indeed surprised to hear that dad actually enjoyed his evening alone & he proudly made mom wait in the living room to make her watch the adorable kid bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'.
Mom waited patiently, and sure enough, the little one came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up happily & also compliment her that she makes better 'Tea' than Mommy.
As the kid walked away satisfied at her little achievement, dad looked at mom to know what she thought about the 'cute thing' that she just saw.
Mom, as only a mother would know said, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"


-Rehashed version of a story i heard some years back from a friend.

The Rise Of Kash-Phoenix...

Keep hating me, but try as you may... You cannot Ignore me,
Shower me with harsh words & insane accusations....
But I'll surpass all your frivolous tribulations...
Pull me down... and hit me again...
Until I bleed & writhe in pain...
Take everything I have & crush my ambition...
Strip me off my identity & burn my aspiration...
My yesterdays were burnt mercilessly in hell's fire...
Yet in death’s ash, embers of hope remain by the pyre...
Lying in my bed of ash, I see you standing & smiling there...
Enjoying the sight of my dreams crying in despair...
You believe everything about me will be no more...
But then, like the Phoenix I’ll rise & soar...
With renewed passion that's glowing red...
With all the vigour i can muster from my death bed...
And ash will give way to a crimson flame...
Coz Aakaash is your nemesis' name...
And like the Phoenix I’ll soar again!

Reticent Love

Woman, have I really been far away?
Running short of words...
Afraid of nothin...
With nothin at all around...
Oh! how could you even know?
How could I have let you know?
When there was all but nothin in me!

--Poem By

...Abruptus

Yeah! I blew it all away...
Towards the midnight sky...
It was once right there within me...
It was almost there...
How could they possibly know?
I can understand how little...
They understood what i was going through!

--Poem By

The Swan Song

I see, you've been spreadin dirt, my love...
blatant lies you told me...
all of it i realize now were so untrue...
and you crowned yourself among those men...
that gave so much filth to you...
I think you should know now...
There is only so much time...
Before your song comes to an inevitable end!

-- Poem By

Precipitated GuiLt

Oh! My Precious angel...
You've lost your halo...
Senseless, Aimless, Laden with blithesome ignorance...
You have now chosen your own road...
And you've decided to walk on forever...
Believing that you're clean...
But I hope you know...
You carry the burden of a guilty conscience....

--Poem By

Waiting..... Bearing The EmotionaL Labor Pain!

Almost 9 months since my last post.... A week to go & it'd be 9 months... It wasn't deliberate & I had no idea it had been so long... I was just keeping my thoughts to myself all this while...
Well... Its not that now I'm gonna give vent to my emotions all of a sudden on this blog... But I've decided to be more vocal than I used to be :) 
I hadn't realized I made this blog & had left it unattended for until I talked to one of my close friends... I don't remember exactly what she said but our conversation shifted from mundane topics to blogs! She was surprised to know that i had made 2 blogs & had not written anything much in them since months... 
These months have been severely taxing on me & my thought process... 
I might have written if I had the time... or maybe if I had an opportunity... but it seemed like forever & I never had a chance to give form to my thoughts... It's funny how things haven't changed much in my life since the last post. I can still see the same "Me" and the same "Them" around and life has only gotten more complicated than ever! 
Did I complicate it...??? I really donno. Maybe. Maybe not. 
I wouldn't wanna play the blame game now... I ain't in the mood for games. I feel heavy... I feel weak... I feel weighed down by my brazen emotions... 
I feel like I carry the burden of a horrid past & it is tossing & turning inside me... I've carried the burden of hopelessness & loneliness in my womb these 9 months... I cant take it anymore & it isn't right to carry it for more than what is needed of it...
It has now turned into a fully grown loneliness! I've fed it more than enough from my system... I've given my blood & love & everything possible until now... Few more days from now I have to get it outta my system... give it it's rightful birth -the rightful place in the society... 
I know, I cant completely let it go... its quite not possible... it's mine. it has always been mine... but I have to let it out... 
I lie on my back... looking up at the sky, waiting for the night to give way to the day & subsequently repeat its process until I am ready... Until then, i'll lie here... taking joy in the pain... The pain of my pregnant emotional self...