She was sitting in her favorite place in the balcony of her apartment stroking her slightly protruding tummy & sipping coffee. No, she wasn't a coffee addict like many her age, but probably she figured I'm a Coffee Freak and the coffee she sipped would pass on through the umbilical cord to me. I was lying there half asleep when tiny droplets of coffee trickled on my face and I opened my tiny mouth and tasted my very first drops of coffee. Mommy then stroked her tummy again as I moved inside, thanking her for the coffee. I knew she loved me a lot, though she never really said it like anyone else would normally do. But I was her little baby and she called me sweet names in the sweetest ways possible almost every minute. Also the fact that she named me Lov-E made me believe there was none she loved more than me.
The word Lov-E meant a lot to her as much as it did to me. It was short for Lovable-Embryo and also E for the greatest E’motion in the universe –Love. But sometimes I felt mommy wasn’t too convinced by the emotion, even though she was already impregnated by the feeling and it was growing inside her –everyday, every minute, every single moment. Sometimes mommy would be so lost in her thoughts that she wouldn’t answer the questions I asked her. I donno if she never heard me or if she chose not to listen. But I always spoke to her, I spoke my heart out, poured my feelings into the amniotic fluid and into the blood that flowed in from her body and out through mine. But my words got dispersed in the vacuum and at times were mostly incomprehensible or half baked ones which didn’t matter much to mommy.
Mommy wasn’t convinced about the power of Lov-E that grew inside her and sometimes I think she didn’t want me in the first place. I remember she had asked for some ‘time’ to think over it and get ‘used’ to it. She was excited from the very first day but she was at the same time not too sure if the excitement would last long enough until all this grew bigger. She was afraid she may lose all this excitement in the coming days and all this might be a passing emotion, something that wouldn’t last long…. Just another phase in her life! I guess she had her own share of bad experiences in life but I wanted to scream and tell mommy this wasn’t gonna be like anything she had experienced before. “This was gonna be the greatest adventure ever mommy… You and the Lov-E that’s growing inside you will make it through every storm & every dark day… Get over your insecurities… You juz have to believe me mommy coz I’ll never let you down…”
But she never heard me, and never once believed me. She sat in her balcony and finished her coffee and walked away to do other things more important to her. Whenever she went to her office she was always worried about what her friends said about her. Some of them obviously didn’t like the ‘visible change’ in her and voiced their opinions. Mommy pondered over the effect of the change in her and wondered why she had to go through all this. Her already confused brain worked overtime and with each passing day she fell into a hollow of depression and self doubt. Sometimes it affected me, sometimes I pretended it didn’t affect me at all and closed my eyes and went to sleep almost drowning myself in mommy’s blood which was beginning to poison my mind and my body. The tantrums she threw affected my brain and her silent thoughts were acting like a silent killer and beginning to take its toll on me.
One day mommy said what I had never dreamt I’d hear even in my scariest dreams. “I don’t want Lov-E...” she said stroking her tummy. I was slightly sick and had almost fallen asleep, but those words fell on my ears like a huge boulder thrown on me mercilessly crushing my nimble body underneath it. Maybe she didn’t mean to say it, maybe she had no clue what she was doing. Maybe she said it to herself and didn’t want me to hear it. But it woke me up nevertheless and hurt me much more than she could possibly imagine.
I lay awake all night crying and wondering why mommy ever said those harsh words. Did she ever stop to think what I’d have to go through because of her rash decision? What about my little dreams? What about all those things I imagined I’d do with her? What about all those sweet words she told me from her favorite balcony? What about those promises of giving me the moon? What about those kisses and hugs and loving whispers I dreamt she’d shower me with? What about those assurances she gave me when I felt lonely and lost and wasn’t sure what I was doing in her womb? What about all those times I made her smile whenever I tossed and turned in her tummy? Was this how it was supposed to end? Is this what I deserved after all that we shared mommy?
You should've rather named me Dog-E mommy, maybe then even if you abandon me I'd be picked up from the street by some dog lover or some social worker. I still may have had a chance to live. But no! I was named this way for a reason, and you forgot what it was. If only you had used the 'time' you had asked for in a better way instead of cramming your head with futile imagination and negative thoughts you may have loved me as much as I loved you. You'd have known we were meant to be and this world would've seemed a better place for me and you. But it was not meant to be!
I wiped my tears and thought for a second. If mommy made a decision I must respect it and accept it, even if it means bringing harm on myself. I held on tight to the umbilical cord and waited for mommy to fall asleep that night. She must’ve been tired or maybe weary of carrying me and the burden I am to her tummy as well as her sweet li’l heart. She fell asleep as soon as she lay on the bed. As the night grew darker my tiny heart beat faster. I had to do it, but I couldn’t bring myself to it how much ever harder I tried.
I closed my eyes and tried to imagine my mommy’s kind face. One last time I sent a kiss through the amniotic fluid and said, “I love you Mommy... Forever and beyond” and pulled on hard at the umbilical cord severing all connections between mommy and me. Mommy suddenly woke up from her sleep and groaned in pain. She held on to her tummy and writhed in her bed. Blood gushed into my peaceful home in her tummy and I began to feel a terrible pain engulfing me. My half formed limbs and organs began to feel weak. Before I lost consciousness I pulled all the 'wires' around me and then closed my eyes and embraced my inevitable end.
Mommy didn’t know what was happening to her. She had no clue why this was happening either. That was exactly how I felt when you decided to kill me mommy... Now you know how it feels when a loved one walks out on you. You may regret deciding to kill me someday, but you’ll find that it’s too late to turn back time. There’s nothing you can do now coz I’ve pulled all the plugs at my end and ended all your miseries. But is this the end of everything? No. This is only the beginning of greater miseries for you. You may wanna have another Lov-E someday, but you would soon know there’s no Lov-E greater than me. There’s none who’d love you as much as I do. There’d never be a Lov-E that would be as much a part of you as I was. I’m leaving behind a trail of blood and my body for you which the doctors might call a ‘dead piece of meat’ or just a piece of foetal flesh. Maybe that was all I was to you. The doctors will also tell you that this was the last time you could have anything like Lov-E coz on my way out I've made sure you cannot have another one in this lifetime. I've left behind a void -a home that'll forever be empty.
Each time you stroke your tummy you'll remember me coz that was my favorite place on earth -the safest home where you hid me from the rest of the world and its miseries. You'll miss me when you have coffee coz I wont be there to share it with you and every day, every moment, every thing you do will remind you of me... and you'll miss your one and only Lov-E. You should have thought twice mommy, coz now there’s no going back. I’ll no longer be a burden to you.
Goodbye mommy.
I love you!
