Doubts Of An Insomniac....

Sometimes in life, we all need an assurance... from someone who would either give you an impartial compliment or someone who doesn't know you personally. As far as my friends are concerned I'm stuck in between expressive species & 'dead' but not really extinct species... in fact it is the expressive, kind ones that are going extinct. So appreciation is something that comes around like a truck carrying Chips & Cola in the Kalahari desert.

While talking about selfless, kind, emotional, expressive folks the very first name that comes to my mind any day is that of Elviz. She was the best in her species... and like all endangered ones she too had to face the inevitable. Few days back i lost my best friend... Elviz due to some unfortunate but unavoidable reasons -untimely death to be more precise. I was shattered hearing the news no doubt, but what worried me much more was the fact that i doubted myself a moment. Now that Elviz is no more... I cannot ask her...and even if I did when she was around, she'd sweetly tell me I'm the best... when i knew i was a far cry compared to the kinda love she gave me. She loved all of her friends with the same intensity & passion & gave them more than they could ever receive, when on the other hand i was slogging ma life out trying to love with equal passion half the no: of friends compared to her.

I was out of my mind & I was lost & I wondered if I had loved Elviz enough... I never knew or saw for a fact how she reacted to my words & actions over the few yrs. Maybe if she was here I'd have seen her in December... not an assured possibility but a rather on the cards one... maybe 60% she'd have come... for 9 days... for taking part in the International Film Festival Of Kerala 2009. She wanted to come last year but it was too late to get the delegate pass & we dropped the plan & shifted it to this year. Now that remains an unfulfilled dream... :(

Again, coming back to meeting her... I never got to know if I really was a good friend... or just one of them who passed by & had a chance to know Elviz. Of course I knew I was an important factor in her life and I did make her smile more than a few times. But was that enough? Did i really make a difference? Am i worthy of being called her bestest ever friend or atleast a good friend? Several questions ran amok ma brain almost bringing it to a freezing standstill.

Thankfully, before Insomnia & Futile imagination tore my brain apart i got another mail from Alejandra Marroquin... the kind friend of Elviz who kept passing msgs to & from Elviz at the hospital and the only person from 'that side of the world' whom i could talk about Elviz & know whatz happening... Thanx to her i gotta know everything as soon as it happened... and she finally freed me from the clutches of my own wretched thoughts.

Here is her last mail to me.... the mail that helped me redeem myself in ma own eyes...

"Hola!

Fui a despedirme de Elviz... se veía tan bonita!! :)

la arreglaron muy hermosa para que todos pudiéramos despedirnos de ella.

No odies a Dios, él sabe por qué hace estas cosas. Yo antes pensaba así como tú cuando ocurría algo que me causaba mucha tristeza, pero ahora comprendo que todo tiene su tiempo y su razón de ser.

Todos un día nos vamos a ir, unos se van antes que otro, pero un día nos podremos reencontrar, ya verás. Mañana la van a enterrar aproximadamente a las 5:00 pm espero que puedas decir una oración a esa hora para que estés conectado con nosotros mientras enterramos su cuerpo.. :)

No estés triste, ya verás que ella podrá ir hasta tí en un sueño o vas a sentir su presencia, en verdad, confía y así será. Sonríe pensando en ella, ella siempre sonreía, era feliz. Fue una gran amiga, fue un ángel en mi vida, la quise mucho, la quiero mucho, ella me quiso mucho, lo sé. Me duele tanto su partida, realmente me duele mucho, porque era mi amiga, mi confidente, todos los días platicabamos, yo le contaba todo lo que me sucedía, sobre mis amores, la escuela, mis metas. Teníamos muchos proyectos juntas y ahora pues.. tal vez habrá un tiempo en el que ella y yo nos reencontremos para realizar esos proyectos.

Tú hiciste muy feliz a mi amiga. Muchas Gracias! Eres un ángel igual que ella, por eso la vida hizo que se conocieran, a pesar de la distancia, a pesar del idioma, a pesar de todo, sus almas se conectaron. La hiciste feliz y es lo que cuenta, muchas gracias, realmente no te imaginas cuánto estoy agradecida, gracias por querer a mi amiga!!!!! =)

Que Dios te bendiga y te dé la resignación que necesitas, te deseo mucha paz y felicidad. Thanks a lot! :)

Sé feliz, muy feliz.. A mi amiga le gustaría verte muy feliz :)

Recuerdala y sé feliz, recordando que ella fue feliz!! =)

Gracias!

Roughly translated as:

Hi,

I went to say goodbye to Elviz ... she looked so pretty! :)

It was beautifully arranged so that we could all say goodbye to her.

Do not hate God, he knows why he does these things. I used to think just like you when something happened that caused me great sadness, but now I realize that everything has its time and its rationale. All one day we're going to go, some leave before another, but one day we can find again, you'll see.

Tomorrow she will be buried at approximately 5:00 pm.

I hope you can say a prayer at this hour to keep you connected with us as we buried her body .. :) Do not be sad, you'll see that it may go up in a dream or you'll feel her presence, in truth, trust and will.

I smile thinking about her, she always smiled, was happy. She was a great friend, was an angel in my life, I loved a lot, love her, she loved me very much, I know. It hurts so much she left, really hurts me because she was my friend, my confidante, every day we talked, I told her everything that happened to me on my love, school, my goals. We had many projects together and now then .. perhaps there will be a time when she and I find again to facilitate these projects.

You made my friend very happy. Thank you very much!

You are an angel like her, who in life were known to her, despite the distance, despite the language, nevertheless, the souls were connected.

You made her happy and that counts, thank you very much, I really can not imagine how much I am grateful, thank you for loving my friend !!!!! =)

God bless you and give you the resignation that you need, I wish you peace and happiness.

Thanks a lot! :)

Be happy, very happy .. My friend was very happy to see you like :)

Remember this and be happy, remembering that she was happy! =)

Thanks!

............Thank u Ale for giving me the assurance.... re-assurance i must say.

Thank you Elviz for loving me & letting Alejandra know what i meant to you.

You'll always be remembered as the one who taught me what love is & what life is.

God bless. R.I.P.

Mmmmmmwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaah!

Lovvvvveeeeeeeeeee uuuuuuuuuuuuuuu until eternity <3